C

Cairns - A party town on the northeast coast given to plying teenage European travellers with bunderburg (See B), taking their savings and physically abusing them. It also acts as a jump off point for the great barrier reef and some rainforest, which are the only parts of the country that aren't dry-as-fuck desert, which is why everyone goes there.

Captain Cook - One of the greatest explorers ever who is credited with discovering the country (after the aborigines, the Dutch, malays and probably some vikings). Not much liked anywhere in today's post-colonial world despite the fact that he rolled around the globe for four years at a time with just a pair of massive bollocks for weapons.

Cane toad - Toad that breeds like it's the apocalypse. 33,000 eggs per spawning. They threaten crops with their appetite and their demeanour. A cane toad eats like a bear and they just keep on growing. In the bush, locals are offered free beer from the government to kill toads. Many toads die and much beer is drunk. A friend of mine caught one and threw it on a campfire to kill it. The toad ate the campfire.

D

Darwin stubbie - In Darwin this is a 1.25 litre bottle of beer. Elsewhere a stubbie is a 375 ml bottle of beer, some bloody difference mate. In Darwin a long road journey is not measured in time or distance but in stubbies, i.e. the number of stubbies drunk in yer Commodore en-route.

Down-under - A small fishing village 7 miles due west of Tintagel, cornwall.

Didgeridoo - Aboriginal wind instrument played by skanky, unemployed, middle-class, English kids at festivals in a state of unemployed E-d up trance. They play it in the hope you'll go away. The only thing worse than an English kid playing 'Didge', is a German, dutch or scandanavian kid playing 'Didge'. Israelis and Italians don't play 'didge' because it doesn't have a 'techno' setting.

Dole bludger - one who signs up to the ethos of Never work (see n - Never work ).

E

Earl's Court - The only area of England where australians can legally live.

F

Fair dinkum - Colloquial term meaning 'Alright' or 'ok'. Generally everything is fairdunkum in Australia - until they get drunk or meet whinging Poms (see W - whinging poms).

G

G'day - Essential vocabulary to the native Aussie. If you don't know any Australian, or do but can't understand someone under the influence, muttering G'day will generally get you by.

Grogun - Large, toilet-blocking stool. Usually of one piece, and of particularly dense consistency.

H

Hell - The only place anywhere hotter than Australia.

Holt, Harold - Australian Prime minister (1908 - 1967). Holt's premiership came to an end when he fell off his yacht and drowned. The state of Victoria, having the sense of humour it does, named a swimming pool after him.

Hume Highway - The main road connecting Sydney and Melbourne.

Hutchins, Michael - Rock star, sex god, light fitting.

A-B | C-H | I-N | O-T | U-Z