H - HITCHHIKING Australia is a dangerous place to hitchhike and backpackers go missing all the time. A recently convicted serial killer picked up hitchhikers, tortured and killed them, then buried them in a state forest. There are lots of places to bury people in a forest.

I - IMMIGRATION OFFICERS The Australian authorities are not known for going easy on illegal immigrants or backpackers overstaying their visas. Once caught you're deported first class - no, that's not a good thing, it's the only ticket left for the NEXT PLANE - and YOU'RE PAYING.

J - JELLY FISH, BOX Found in the waters off Queensland and Northern Territory, as the name suggests, these are deadly box-shaped jelly fish. Best to ask around locally before going for a swim. Or buying tupperware.

K - KANGAROOS Huge animals who will damage a car on impact - usually beyond repair. To avoid, don't drive at dawn, dusk, at night or at any time during the day. Found throughout Australia so there's no escaping them.

L - LONG GRASS This is where many deadly, or at least pesky, Australian animals live, and some of the more conscientious species of snake use it as dental floss if they get a bit of tourist stuck between their teeth. If you haven't guessed already -shoes are a must in Oz.

M - MAGPIES Dangerous only in the late spring when the mother violently protects her young. An innocent passer-by may be attacked by swooping magpies just for being close. As children we had to wear hats to school to protect our heads. I remember fellow students being rushed to hospital after being attacked. Magpies, for crying out loud!

N - NEW ZEALANDERS But only when provoked.

O - OCTOPUS, BLUE RING Tiny but deadly octopus that exhibits bright, blue rings when it feels threatened. My advice - don't go picking up anything on the beach that has bright, blue rings.

The Outback. Take some extra water...
And gas. And a spade

P - POMS - Whinging bastards.

Q - QUEENSLANDERS Pauline Hanson. 'nough said.

R - RIPS Dangerous currents that can drag away even the most confident of swimmers. There's a way out of them but I can't remember what it is.

S - SHARKS Yes, they do exist, on popular beaches, in peak season. Helicopters watch the water and give a warning alarm when sharks are close. Despite this there are still several attacks each year. Often by Great Whites.

T - TAIPAN SNAKES Apparently the Taipan is fifty-times more deadly than the cobra. Fortunately, at almost two-metres long you'll easily spot it before you tread on it.

U - UTES Utility vehicles - pick-ups to you. Often found in the outback, possibly with a drunk driver at the wheel. Hundreds of young Australians are involved each year in horrific drink driving accidents. Random breath testing is the norm in the cities, but due to its sheer size, the outback is not as well policed. You don't have to do anything wrong to be stopped and you can go to jail for a positive test. The police especially like stoppping beat up old cars of the type favoured by backpackers. Oh.

V - VEGEMITE First produced in 1923, this yeast extract has taken over the country and you'll even get it with a posh hotel breakfast. Some say it's addictive, you won't find an Aussie home without a decent jar of it, and it's basically one of the only sandwich fillers which will survive the Aussie heat before lunchtime.

W - WHITE TIP SPIDERS A strangely venomous spider. Once bitten, your skin begins to rot, then will heal. A few years later the same area will start to rot again. There is no cure.

X - XXXX, CASTLEMAINE A beer often drunk in copious quantities in Queensland, where it originates. Each state prefers a certain beer, NSW drinks Victoria Bitter, or VB (which isn't very patriotic). There are no pints. A 'schooner' is a large glass, a 'middie' is for the ladies in NSW, and in VIC, a schooner is called a 'pot'. Good luck.

Y - YAKKA Work. Hard yakka... you get the picture. There's lots of work available to backpackers in Australia. Because of the climate the fruit picking season moves around the country year round. If you want hospitality work you have to take a day's course to get a certificate saying you can work in bars, hotels etc, so bring your black and whites.

Z - ZUMSTEIN A reserve in Victoria where being attacked by an over-friendly (and hungry) kangaroo is quite likely.

Did I mention the animals?

And yet, despite all this, it is impossible to overstate the amount of fun you will have if you come to Australia. It is, quite simply, the most extraordinary country in the world. If you don't believe me, just ask someone who's been here. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and polish my pet spider's antlers.